I’ve been really self-conscious lately.

When I first started to deal with my MS, I guess you could say I was a little dark. Or sad. Sad is probably a better word. Anyway, when I first started dealing with it, someone who knows me pretty well and often comes to me for companionship told me I was being boring. 

And it stung. 

I had never been called boring before. And this person continues to suggest that I may be boring. And maybe I’m upset over nothing, but after a while something like that starts to settle in your thoughts.

I feel like I could be doing a better job at entertaining my friends. I know that I’m not talking as much as I used to. Believe me, I’m trying. But it’s terrifying and embarrassing when all of the people you hang around with are so articulate and a fucking disease prevents you from saying the words in your brain. And I feel so bad because I may come off as being bored or uninterested in what a person is saying and jesus christ, I fucking care what they’re talking about. It’s just so much harder to respond now. 

I could be trying harder to want to be around people, but what if I’m no longer fun to be around? What if people would rather not be around me? What if I’m just a huge fucking downer? 

What if I’m boring?